Anonymous
There were happy moments, though they were rare; but were they really happy, or were those moments simply just shows we’d put on in front of the people around us?
I remember everything, though I was quite young. The anger, the yelling, the fights, the manipulation, the abuse, the nights he didn’t come back, and the nights he did. I remember feeling as if we would never get away from him, as if we were trapped, unable to break free of the chains he bound us to.
I never wish to be like him neither as a mother nor as a person. There’s always that little voice in the back of my head though. This little voice says, “What if..” when I say I will never be like him. It says, “You could.” when I say I’ll never do the same things he did. It’s always there, doubting me. It makes me doubt myself too, every now and then. I hear it say, “That's something he would do.”, when I start to do things he might’ve done or had as a hobby. I force this little voice away, as best as I can at least. I wish it would go away forever, but it’s always there, and I haven’t learned how to completely block it out just yet.
I used to lay awake at night, asking myself, “What if ?”. What if I do end up like him? What if I do the same things he did? There was always that what if that always stuck with me though, one I’ve never really told anyone about before. What if I end up worse than he ever was or ever will be?
Most of my life I’ve coped with this fear by ignoring it completely. I always find a way to distract myself so I can’t be alone with my own thoughts. I have spoken to a few people about this fear. I’ve spoken to my mother, who just told me I’d never be like him over and over again in different wordings. I’ve spoken to my best friend, Liv, who also told me the same as my mother, as well as some other things that were actually nice to hear, but I can’t seem to remember clearly anymore. Although it was nice to get this fear off of my chest at the time, I just heard the same thing over and over again. Now, to deal with this fear, I distract myself with anything that I can. I’m always on my phone or doing some sort of craft or homework or something, anything to stay away from my own mind.
I suppose I could try therapy, though I’m not the type to open up to strangers easily. I could at least try, just to see if it’ll help at all. It’ll take time, but it might work.
Nothing I do currently to ignore this fear really seems to help me. It helps for a while and then I’ll see something or hear something that’ll remind me of him. The good and the bad. It makes me think of him again. Makes me afraid again. It’s always in my mind now, “What if I end up worse than he’ll ever be?”. After all, this is one of my greatest fears, just as he was a few years ago.
573 words
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